Why should I meditate?
From my perspective there are two major outcomes from meditation.
One is that stilling the conscious mind, and bringing awareness to mind itself, allows us to become more aware of the intuitions that are occurring continuously, and for the most part we are completely unaware of them. In my world, this equates to what Mendy Lou would call “heart”.
The other great benefit is in forming the habit of creating a gap between a though and action, into which we can insert conscious choice. Life is far too complex to do everything consciously, we need to rely on our subconscious; and there is great power in being able to insert choice if and when necessary.
From my perspective, the more awareness and choice we cultivate in life, the greater our creative potential.
I so loved your story. I so identify with it, though mine is different in almost every particular (I actually have had a couple of those white light experiences, though not through meditation or drugs), I align with all you said, as I have failed spectacularly at almost everything I have tried. Like you, I have learned the value of persistence, and trying new variations, which is its own sort of courage and trust.
One of the big differences, is around the idea you encapsulated in “Logic told me there had to be something greater than human intelligence running this show”, which is not what logic tells me.
Logic certainly tells me that human awareness isn’t running the show; and that does not mean that anything larger than human awareness is. To me, the logic is clear, that there are a vast number of much simpler systems that allow “the show” to exist as it does, and are in fact running the show, in so far as anything is running it. It seems clear to me that there is a level at which the show isn’t being run, it simply is.
I can understand why most people give the name God to the vastness of those subconscious processes; it makes a lot of sense from a certain set of perspectives – I just don’t operate from any of those perspective sets.
It seems clear to me, in logic, that the sort of awareness that we are, creative with choice, can only exist in a world that is a blend of order and chaos. There has to be rules, and those rules have to have limits, beyond and below which all is essentially random, within certain probabilistic distribution patterns. If reality were structured any other way, we would be simple automatons, devoid of choice, and forever predestined to our particular paths. Predestination appears not to be the case (at least the equations of Quantum Mechanics point us firmly in this direction), though the notion of choice seems to be far from simple, and seems to be potentially infinitely recursive and expansive in nature.
I love how the works of Goedel and von Neumann showed us that there are classes of problems that are definable, and have definite solution, and those solutions cannot ever be reached.
So while I seem to exist and experience the qualia of this life, I also seem to have some sort of notion (at least in principle, in vague approximation) of the vastness of the processes that underlie my being, and the utter impossibility of my ever becoming fully conscious of them (it is simply logically impossible, like climbing up my own fundamental orifice). I liken this to your own awareness that you are god (though the whole notion of god makes no sense from the schema I use).
I like the oft used Zen notion of the field of awareness, with the wild horse of our thoughts. And the need to build a relationship of trust with the horse, particularly if we are planning on riding out beyond the field. Horses have needs, and limits, and those must be cared for.